Saturday, October 16, 2010

Reflections of Beauty

I stand in front of a square of mirror each morning carefully applying the paint of an urban female warrior. This is what I do, this is what I am trained for. Each brush is skillfully used to embellish every facial feature to perfection. Swirling colors to blend so you cannot tell where one stops and one begins. My face a daily canvas to be remade to reflect sexy, charming, in control.

Golden strands of hair fall around my face in soft flowing waves. All in place designed to be stared at; to be touched.

Matching clothing flattering just the right curves of the body.. coordinated handbag and shoes with not a speck of dirt on them. Which sunglasses to wear, to tie a pretty bow on the package?

A quick look in the mirror to ensure all is right. Pretty girl staring back with empty eyes. I look away for fear of confronting the truth.

Inside a slow scream starts to form.. pushing it’s way up, wanting to be set free. Push it back down, it cannot escape, there is no time for dwelling on what should be.

Echos haunt my mind, “you’re such a pretty girl” ; “how can you be sad, you’re so pretty”; “you have it made, you're so pretty”; “we like being around you, YOU’RE SO…. PRETTY”

SHUT UP!! I cannot talk to you now, I have beauty to throw around, tell your lines to somebody else. They mean nothing to me.

Look into my lifeless eyes and tell me how pretty I am once you really see me. Tell me how pretty I am now that you know the truth, now that you see reflections of beauty in me.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Star Dust

She was once the patient one, always willing to wait. The one who always understood being left behind. She was once brave, standing in the face of fear and shouting in it's face to end it's injustices against those who cannot defend themselves. The one who can hide the hurt bestowed upon her in the most secret places, no one can find. Falsified, personified by appearances, she was the pretty one, an easy guise to feign. To all who knew her, she was a rock, seeming to stand solid and strong, while inside she crumbled as easily as a thin layer of shale. She would hand out smiles she could barely muster, hiding tears that wanted to fall.

In the dark of night alone, wondering what it's all for, she is weak. She knows she has failed herself, has lost her potential to be someone, because she chose to always help someone else. Now she is alone and scared. She is tired, age slowly stealing her youth, wasted energy sapped away by the selfish ones. A willing sacrifice, her light slowly fades like the setting sun. She has no one to blame but herself, for allowing to be set aside like a little doll , to be abused, to be unknown. As she was in death, she smiled as she surrendered to the end, the darkness come to engulf her soul.

A shining star, dimmed by the world, to dust she does return.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Grams' Last Wish

I've always hated hospitals. They're where people come to die.

So here I sit holding onto Grams' fragile hand. Her skin feels soft, but paper thin. I think to the future, when one day it will be my young plump hand that will be transformed into an aging, fraile stick of bones covered by the thin sheeting of flesh. I wonder if anyone will be holding my hand when my time comes?

I look around the plain room, beige walls, one single picture of sunflowers hanging so the person in the bed has a view. Poor Grams, I think to myself. This room is so dreary, no wonder it's easy to die here. At least she is in her room alone and won't have to share her death with a stranger.

"Can I get you anything Grams?" I ask of the old lady whom I have adored my whole life. Her hair has thinned, along with the rest of her. Her gray strands surround her face like a fine feather down. Face wrinkled from her 86 years of life. Her eyes are still bright and knowing though. I am again grateful she never lost her mind. Sure people may have said she was crazy, but I know she just wanted to lead them to believe that.

"No thank you, my dearest child. You took care of what I asked you?" Her voice is raspy and weak. I know her time is coming soon.

"Oh Grams, you know I would do anything you asked of me. Of course I took care of it. He should be here soon." I answer her. Grams and I have always been close. I am the only person in the family she trusts.

"You're a good girl sweety." She smiles at me, her green eyes twinkling. I have Grams' eyes, and have been told by everyone that I am indeed, her spitting image. I can't see how that can be. I've seen pictures of her when she was young. She was a stunner. Besides, my eyes don't twinkle like that. It always surprised me she was never married. Always amazed me that she managed to have a child out of wed lock in her date and time.

She managed to eek a living, and feed her only son, my father, by selling things she made. She educated him and managed to save enough money for him to go to college. When he was 18 he left her, alone in her little log cabin in the woods. It's no wonder the rumors about her were created. Grams is the evil old witch who eats children, according to town lore.

My father broke her heart when he left. He never visted except one time to show her me. I used to sneak out of the house at night beginning when I was 5, to go see her. No one ever knew. She told me they would keep me away.

Grams taught me to make all the little things she did. How to cast spells, and to chanel the dead. Yes Grams is a witch, but she does not eat children. She told me it is a special gift, passed only to the women in the family. I always kept our secret and never told anyone about what we did.

"So your father will come see me on my death bed then?" She asked me.

"Yes, Grams. He should be here anytime now."

"I hope he hurries. I can feel my time growing thin. What's keeping him?"

"I don't know Grams. Maybe he had to work late."

"That bitch of a wife of his is probably trying to stop him. She's like that, as you know. Controlling bitch!"

"Grams, don't get yourself all worked up. Besides, that bitch you're talking about is my mother. I know you don't like her. I don't even like her. I wish it were her lying here on this bed, not you! I don't want you to go, Grams."

"I know my dear. Just remember that Grams is never going to leave you." Her eyes twinkle at me again.

I smile back at her, and try to make it as happy looking as I can.

"I don't deserve your love, Sophia." Grams says to me.

"Stop that crazy talk, Grams. I love you and that's that!"

I notice the sun setting through the blind covered window and wonder where the hell my father is? Grams has nodded off again, and I can't help but wonder if she will wake up this time. Her breathing has grown very shallow and she looks very pale. I wish he'd hurry.

I get up from the hard chair I have been sitting in and start to go through the closet and drawers, gathering her things. I figure I might as well start collecting her personal items. I don't think she's going to make it through the night.

In the drawer beside her her bed I find a packaet of stationary and furrow my eyebrows. I don't recall seeing it before. Perhaps one of the nurses brought it in to her. There is one nurse here that has taken to Grams. She is from another country, Sweden I think, but can't quite remember her name. I look through the delicately designed papers and find a note written in Grams' hand. I know I shouldn't intrude, but my curiosity gets the better of me. The letter isn't addressed to anyone in particular, so I read:

I want to thank everyone in my life for keeping me going. I am grateful for all the time I got to spend with you, getting to know you and watch you grow. I am thankful for the gifts you have given me each year and the gift you will bestow upon me in death. I have only one regret.......

"Hmmm," I say outloud thinking perhaps this is a draft of a letter to someone as it seems incomplete, no heading and no closing. I shrug my shoulders and set the stationary back in the drawer and notice Grams looking at me with a sad look on her face.

"I'm sorry Grams. I didn't mean to be so nosy, I know this is your personal business."

Just then the door to the room opens and in walks my father.

"Hello Sophia, Mother." He says as he sets a vase of beautiful red roses on a table near the wall under the sunflower painting. Those are so much prettier to look at. I smile and greet my father with a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Gregory! You made it!" Grams says with such excitment in her voice.

Father strides across the room, leans his tall frame over Grams and kisses her forehead. "How are you, Mother?" He inquires, emphasising "Mother" and with a strange smile on his face. Perhaps he is just trying to be strong. Perhaps this is really bothering him more then he is letting on. I'lll have to talk to him later.

"My you have grown into a handsome man, let me look at you," she says, a big grin on her face.

I unzip my jacket as I start to feel a bit warm. I've had the heat on al day since Grams seems to stay cold all the time . The heat in the room is stiffling. Father looks over to me, a worried look crosses his face. "Are you alright Soph?? You don't look well."

"It's just hot in here. I guess it's hitting me now that I am up and about."

"Sit down sweety, I'll get you some water." He walks out the door.

Grams reaches the control on her bed and moves it to a sitting position. I can tell it is taking a lot of out of her to accomplish.

I start to get up, "Let me help you Grams."

"No, no hun. You just sit tight. Your father's right, you don't look too hot."

"Oh trust me, I am hot." I try joking. I can feel the beads of sweat falling from my hairline down the side of my face. My father walks back in with a cup of iced water in his hand and offers it to me.

"Thanks, Dad." I gulp at the water, the coolness winding it's way down my throat. It feels good. I hand the cup back to him and lean my head back on the chair. I feel very weird, like I am in that stage of sleeping when you aren't quite there and not quite awake. I swear I see my father bring some candles out of his briefcase and light them. How peculiar this dream is. I giggle a little. I hear voices chanting around me and feel something wet being put on my forehead. I can't seem to hear what is being said and don't know what is on my head, but it feels cool. I can't move. I hate dreams like this. Then I start to fall into a deep sleep, met by darkness.

I don't know how long I slept, but feel very groggy and weak upon opening my eyes. Everything is blurry for a minute then my eyes finally focus somewhat. I still can't quite manage to focus. I am staring at the picture of the sunflowers, and the vase of bright, blood red roses under it. I am confused. Am I sick??? After all, hospitals are where people come to die. They must have moved my chair.

Then I hear my voice asking me, "Grams, grams, are you okay?"

I shake my head and try to speak, but my mouth won't work. I can barely breath. I turn my head and see me staring back at me. God, I've got to wake up!! This is freaky!! My father walks up behind the me I am looking at and leans down and kisses my neck, only it is not my neck any longer is it? This just keeps getting creepier and creepier. And ewww on my dad hitting on me.

I feel a warm hand on what is now my own and look into eyes that are mine, but not mine. My eyes don't twinkle like that. I realize this is no dream. "My only regret, love," I have visions of the letter written on the pretty stationary, "is that it had to be you. I am sorry for this, but you see, I had to find a way to be with your father again. Gregory and I have been in love since we were young and we found a way to be with each other forever. A soul for a soul and you are my sacrifice."

Panic engulfs my mind as it gets harder and harder to breathe. The door opens again and in walks the Swedish nurse. "Is it done?" She asks in her heavy accent.

Gregory steps forward and stares into my eyes, "It is done." He is smiling as I feel my last breath slip away from me, then all is dark again.

Shadowed Dreams

I close my eyes and think of you, smiling in the moonlight. We've known each other all our lives but have never met. Souls collide towards one union, forever in Love's embrace. I feel you near me, can smell your primal scent. I feel your lips at my ear, whispering promises of pleasure and release. My body quivers at your touch and I am under your command. Fingertips glide through my hair as you press your lips to the back of my neck, soft and warm. I cannot find the will to fight you, my desire burns. I am under your spell, pliable to your every whim. I try to pull away, but you will not allow this show of rebellion and firmly pull me back to you. Pinned against your body, I am once again contained. Flashes of lightening streak across the sky, I feel the electricity sizzle in the air, heightening my arousal. I gasp for breath as your hands transverse my body. I am unable to contain the energy flowing through me as I turn to press my lips to yours. I reach for you but there is nothing. I slowly open my eyes to the early morning light, my heart aching for you, longing to be near you again. Tonight my love, we shall meet again in the dream scape that is our secret place.

Friday, September 17, 2010


Little black cats, when the moon is full
Creeping through the darkness
Looking for their souls

Fur shining bright, on a full-moon eve
Lurking in the shadow
Looking for reprieve

Muddy little paw prints, leading up your walk
Right up to your front door
You didn't hear them knock?

Little black cats, sneaking through your dwelling
You can hear them closing in
There is no reason yelling

Claws tippy tapping, all across the floor
As soon as they can catch you
Your soul will be no more

They'll find you in your closet or underneath your bed
The covers cannot save you
You're as good as dead

They're scrambling much faster, scenting on their meal
Target dead in their sight
Tracking on your heel

Frantic racing all around, trying to get away
The kitty cats are coming
And they want to play

You are now encircled, feline beasts surround
Moving in to steal your soul
They bring you to the ground

Final screams are never heard, by neighbors in your know
One kitty cat has eaten
One hundred more to go

Kiss the Bride

It had finally arrived: the day every girl dreams of. Beautiful dresses, dancing, marrying the man of her dreams. Here I sit in my exquisitely decorated room ,compliant to my handmaids perfecting my hair, weaving fresh jasmine in my curls. The scent is intoxicating, I feel light headed. I am fitted into a white, gauzy flowing gown, making me feel vulnerable and erotic. I do not know who it is I am to marry, I've never met the man. My handmaids all wear the same expression of sorrow that reflects my own. I can't help but wonder if they know something about this man and are keeping some secret hidden from me. Perhaps he is cruel, or wicked. Whatever he may be, I am to be his bride on this night. I have no choice.

From the open window, I can hear the cries of the wind sweeping across the fissured limestone of The Burren, a lifeless tract of land that lies at the foot of the Cliffs of Moher. Echos from the cliffs scream out into the night, warning of the danger should one try to climb this time of year. The sound is haunting and frightening. Stories of wild, shape shifting beasts eating men alive are passed down to keep children from wandering to that barren wasteland. They are just stories, I tell myself as I shiver, from the damp cold or fear, I do not know. Something seems amiss, no one will talk to me. My thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door, it is my guard, Gavin. He has come to collect me and escort me to my wedding place. Hesitantly, I rise from my chair feeling a deep abyss form within me. I do not want this night, I do not want to be given to a complete stranger. I open the door to see Gavin's face looking down on me, a deep sadness in his eyes. I lightly touch his hand and smile. This is the man I would rather be bedding tonight as wife. This man with hair as black as coal and eyes bluer than ice. He is my secret love.

As we begin the decent down the castle steps, I begin to shake. I feel hungry, perhaps I should have eaten earlier, at least a wedding means a feast. Gavin takes me gently by the arm and continues to show me through the castle and out into the cold, dark night. I walk bare footed along the dirt path feeling bits of stone and patches of cool grass beneath my feet. Through town, the people await my arrival, lining the streets for this exalted event. As we pass, the crowd grows behind us. I look up as we walk the gauntlet, seeing the dour faces of my people. I glance briefly at Gavin, looking for comfort, before turning my eyes back to the dirt. I want to run, right now. I could hide in the cliffs, surely the legends aren't real. I could survive. His hand grips my arm a bit tighter as if he can read my thoughts of escape.

At last we reach the site. Gray, stone pillars reach towards the sky, torches are lit, shedding spectral light upon the scene. Bouquets of fresh, scarlet roses and white baby's breath adorn every surface. A wintry breeze numbs me. It is alluring and majestic. I see my father standing off to the right, adorned in his best velvets and silks, he smiles sadly at me. I return his smile and start my hesitant walk to the altar, where my groom awaits my arrival. To my surprise he is handsome. Tall, elegant, with dark hair, green eyes- how lovely he is indeed.

My apprehension is dissolved, I am looking forward to having this man who stares at me with large eyes. Hot feelings flash from my inner core, making me forget the cold, as I approach the altar and kneel. The priest begins his ritual words binding this delicious man to me. I can smell the scrumptious aroma of tonight's feast being prepared, my stomach growls, my mouth waters. At last the priest finishes his solemn words to us, we are bound forever.

I get up and lean to my new prince for our first passionate kiss. He struggles against the chains binding him to the altar and screams as I climb atop his writhing body and plunge my elongated fangs into his flesh. He thrashes against me, as a lover in the deep throes of passion as I drain his life's blood from him. I am famished and do not take my time with him. Quickly he grows silent and lifeless in my arms.

I feel a strong hand on my back, letting me know the deed is done. Gavin assists me in getting down from the altar. Smiling, he wipes the remnants of tonight's feast from my mouth before pressing his lips to mine. Smiling in return, I kiss him back, thinking to myself, mmmm dessert!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Stranger Danger

She blushed like a school girl the first time she saw him as they passed in the crowded street. He was so handsome, how could God have made a man so beautiful. Tall, lean with short cut hair, and oh those green eyes that seemed to glow. Green eyes were always her favorite.

He smiled a crooked smile when he noticed her looking at him. She turned her head downward, looking to the sidewalk under her feet; a huge smile played across her lovely face. Oh shit, did he see how red I am, as if I've never seen a man before. Geez Louise, you're such an idiot. She scolded herself.

He did notice her. He noticed her long, silky looking blonde hair, styled so it fell freely around her shoulders. He noticed the large, bright, blue eyes that jumped out from her lovely face, and of course he noticed her large breasts. She tried to cover them, and succeeded in only enhancing the curvaceousness of her chest. A girl simply cannot hide breasts like that no matter what she wears. What caught his attention the most was how bashful she became when he smiled at her. He was used to having women look at him, but seldom do they react so innocently to his looks. He had to get to know this lovely woman. He glanced at his watch, checking the time and committing it to memory so he could try to pass her by again the next morning. Hopefully this was a regular route for her morning commute. He'd have to come on gently with her, obviously. She isn't like most of the other women, who like it brazen and bold. As he walked on he contemplated how he would meet the blonde.

Her work day went by as usual with Mr. Saggysac (her name for her flirtatious, old, wrinkly boss) harassing her. Dropping papers so he could watch her pick them up. She always thought it would be funny to bring in one of those poky sticks they use in the park to clean up trash. That would teach him. By the end of the workday, she was ready to be home. She gathered her bag and her umbrella as it was forecast to rain in the afternoon and began her venture home.

Upon walking out of the mirrored high rise where she works she was greeted with clashes of thunder and a bright flash of lightning bolting across the sky. She sighed deep and looked down at her shoes. I forgot my damn sneakers again, and I can't let these babies get ruined. She managed to kick off her shoes and get them tucked safely away in her bag just as the first drops began to fall from the sky. In her rush, she did not noticed the man standing at the end of the building entrance and ran right into him, he umbrella prongs poking him in the face.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there!" he exclaimed as he fought off the attacking beast. "I'm so clumsy, I'm so so sorry. Are you okay?"

Finally wrestling the umbrella from his face, he looked down at the little blonde before him. Laughing to himself at her bare feet and the fact that she barely stood as high as his chest. "It's okay, I'm fine," he said casually.

"I'm so embarr," she started to say as she looked up at him, her breath hitching in her chest. OMG, it's him! And you nearly poked his eyes out, gahhh how dumb can you be? "Geez, I wasn't watching where I was going, I can't apologize enough. I'm so glad I didn't poke out your eyes!" she exclaimed.

"Really, no worries here. So anyways, I'm glad I ran into you. I know this sounds nuts, but I noticed you this morning, and I was just going to wait until morning and try to see you then, but I thought I'd just go out on a limb here. Okay, now I am the embarrassed one, but I saw you, and thought you were so pretty, and well I was hoping you might let me have you over for dinner, maybe see if we get along? Corny, I know, but I don't get out much and I thought I'd just take a chance."

She was stunned and could only stammer out a few "uhs" as her brain swirled and she felt the excitement of going out with him.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I don't go out to bars, and well like I said, I hadn't been out in a while, so umm never mind, okay. Just pretend this whole moment never happened." He started to turn and walk away.

"No, wait!" she called after him, "No, don't be embarrassed. I was just a bit shocked. I don't get out much either, obviously. So you know what? If you're taking a chance on me, I'll take a chance on you and say yes. I'd love to have dinner with you. When would you like to?"

The sky broke open at that very moment, beginning to drench them both. He grabbed her umbrella and raised above them and placed his hand on her back and led her to the shelter of the building outcrop. They both laughed at the situation. Damn, he's even more handsome when he laughs, she thought to herself.

"I'll call a car for us," he said as he pulled his blackberry out of his pocket. "The car will be here in a few minutes. Why don't we just do this dinner thing tonight? We can run by your place so you can change, then on to my place. I have a fantastic chef."

All of her mother's warnings shot through her head; "Don't get into cars with strangers." "Don't talk to strangers." "Don't bring strangers home and let them know where you live." But Mama, how's a girl supposed to meet anyone if I do those things? She chided herself. Besides she was taking a chance here. He was cute. She glanced up at his stunningly handsome face and smiled, "Sure, that sounds good."

He smiled back at her, a twinkle in his eye.

The car pulled up, again she was surprised by him, as it was a long black stretch limousine. Geez, Louise, don't act like a girl from the boondocks here. Just pretend it's no big deal. What would he think if he knew your roots. But who'd have thunk it, the girl from the swamps, is now riding in a limo. Hahaha, everyone back home would be so jealous, especially Ida Mae.

The driver got out, and opened the rear door for them. Once again he placed his rather large hand at the small of her back and ushered her to the car while holding her umbrella over their heads. He handed it to the chauffeur as he entered the car behind her, smiling as he got a good look at her ass bent in front of him. He knew then she was not accustomed to being driven in a luxury car. Any lady knows you slide in, so as not to show what you don't want seen.

"First time in a limo?" He inquired.

"Umm, yes, how'd you know?"

"From the nice view you gave me when we got in," he said with a grin.

Then he laughed when she turned bright red. It was quite an attractive look on her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel awkward, but really, you have a very nice"

"Don't you even say it to me!" She interrupted, "I have to listen to Mr. Saggysac say things like that to me all day long, and I won't listen to it from you, Mister!" She said sternly, as she pointed a finger in his face. Oh God, please don't let him be another butt crater.

"Yes, Maam," he replied, a smirk still on his face. He reaches out a takes a lock of her hair between his fingers, enjoying the silky feel of it, he leans in and sniffs it. "Mmm you're hair smells good. Why don't we just head to my place? You can wear some of my clothes. It's already 7:30 and really I'm quite famished." He asked casually.

"This is just weird, maybe you should just bring me home and let's forget about dinner. Maybe do it another night when we can plan. This is crazy. I'm barefooted and soaked, I imagine I look a fright, and well you looked at my ass and didn't hide it. Your looking, not my ass. What kind of man admits to those things?" She said.

"I suppose I am coming off a bit strong. I'm really not used to women like you. Most of the women I have known have been hard and tough. Part of what appealed to me about you was how you blushed when I smiled at you. I thought, this is a nice girl. But maybe you're right, what am I going to do with a nice girl anyways?"

I can't believe this stupid line is working on me. Okay so what's the worst that happens, huh? You go to his place, eat something, hell girl, have some sex for a change. It's normal, and who could blame you for doing that? She sighs in resignation, "Fine, we'll go to your place and I'll dress up in your over sized Godzilla clothes."

"That's better," He says as he reaches for the bar and pours up a couple of Scotches and hands one of the crystal highballs to her.

Great, Mr. Pretty is a giant ass crater she thinks, a feeling of disappointment washing over her. But hey, perk up sister, at least you can have sex with a hot guy if you want. Pssshh he's probably too self involved for it to even be worth it. One day a man will come along who knows how to treat a lady, and know how to do a lady right.

They arrive at his penthouse apartment, no surprise there. His butler shows her to a guest room and hands her some dry clothes to put on. "I'll be taking my leave now, Miss, so if you need anything else, please enquire of the master." He bows as he makes his retreat out the door. She strips off her wet clothes and stands naked in the middle of the room. She knows she is just here for this one night, he hasn't even asked her name. He expects you to be his whore for the evening. You aren't anything more to him than that. Why even bother putting any other clothes on?

She walks out of the bedroom completely nude, winds her way down the hallway and into the living room. It's a very boring room, all white; white carpet, white furniture,with a glass wall over looking the city skyline. He raises his eyebrow as she enters, "We both know what this is about, so why bother pretending?" She says flatly. "So fuck dinner, and let's get this over with."

He growls in the back of his throat as he begins unbuttoning his shirt, "I like a woman who gets right to the point," He says. She walks over and grabs both sides of his expensive button up shirt and rips it open, sending the buttons flying helter skelter. He smiles. She continues to work his belt off, and undoing the buttons on his slacks, and lets them fall to the floor around his ankles. He's already kicked off his shoes and socks. His breathing increases and his excitement is quite visible at her actions. Heat begins to radiate off his bare skin, a hotness she has never felt off another human. His breathing gets faster and faster, like a panting dog. A shiver works it's way through her. Her breathing is beginning to keep pace with his. The excitement is thick in the air.

Lightning flashes across the sky, striking something on top of the building next door. Sparks fly, a beautiful display of fireworks, just for them, then all of the lights go out, leaving them both in the pitch black of the night.

His fingers run gently through her hair, then grab it firmly. He pulls her head back and places his lips over hers, kissing her hotly, his tongue forcing it's way between her teeth. She relaxes in his embrace and allows her natural feelings to wash over her. He growls in her ear, she can feel his form under her hands begin to move. The muscles growing taunt, a hardness over taking him. She feels the change, the silky fur entwining in her fingers and then she knows. Her screams are cut short by his sharp canines tearing into her throat. Flashes of the evening going through her head, his leering smile, his doggish ways, how he said he wanted to have her for dinner, and that he was famished. She should have listened to Mama's warning about strangers. She should have remembered about stranger danger.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Don't try to be our friend and leave us, it hurts

@LindaKennero and I wrote this poem.... don't try to be our friend then leave hurts... like this...

If u see me walk away, please dont force me to stay, I have to fly .....

I thought you were my happiness and soul, then you changed, and led me astray, I have to fly...

I was lost in love and didn´t see, where this road would lead, I followed you I was blind, didnt know where to fly..

We spread our wings like eagles, I was breathless from the new heights you had taken me, we would soar together, we'd fly...

I wanted to go higher and higher up in the sky, no fear, no pain, just fly away,i gave u my trust I gave u my heart..

Like a bird of prey, you snatched me up, then tore at me with sharp talons of words, breaking me down, but no more!!

No more I said when u let me go, crushed to the ground, after a really high fall !!!!!

I struggled with my body full of broken bones, I knew I was suffering internal injuries, then you poked your beak in my ear..

With my broken arm I tried to chase you away,but my arm didnt go my way,dangers were lurking and my ear start to hurting..

And in my mind my thoughts were burning... or was that the pain throughout my self, will death come soon enough for me to fly?

I rise from the dust and fly away, u my love killed me fast, one flight and I was gone,crushed to the ground with broken bones...

I stare down at my corpse, cooling in the night air.. my spirit flying higher and higher and I think.. as I fly...

Our story starts where it will end, I´m flyin higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher.......... and higher....I fly, the end.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Summer Rain

It's not the warmth or rays of sun that bring me joyous glee

It's the summer rain we had that day beneath the big oak tree

The day we ran through puddles of rain that caught us unaware

The way you looked at me as your fingertips brushed my hair

Your hand upon my cooling cheek, the love I felt inside

The way you kissed me on my lips; I thought that I would die

You may not comprehend, my love, my breath you took away

And in my ever beating heart, forever you will stay

A simple kiss that will always shine brighter than any sunny day

So have your joy of summertime, for me it shall remain

My kiss beneath the big oak tree amidst the summer rain


Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Dying Ward

"Another damn nightshift," nurse Linda bitched as she ran across the parking lot in the rain to the hospital entrance. "And you couldn't remember your stupid umbrella either," she scolded herself.

The automatic doors swooshed open as she approached and Lars, the security guard looked up, surprised to see her. "I thought you had the night off?" He asked as she signed the security register.

"Oh I did, but Brigitte called in again at the last moment, so here I am." Linda stated with distain in her voice. Brigitte has been calling in a lot lately and Linda always covers. "One of these days I will tell her no."

Lars laughs, "Yeah right that'll be the day when you turn down helping someone."

Linda rolls her eyes and smiles at Lar, "Have a good night, Lars." She hustles down the long hallways to the elevator to take her up to the 2nd floor ward where she will be on duty.

She steps onto the floor and notices the three other nurses crowded around the desk talking in hushed tones. "What's going on?" she inquires with a smirk on her face.

Hildy looks to her and says, "We have a new patient in 207 who refuses to eat. He keeps jabbering on in a language none of us knows so we don't know what he wants or what he is asking. It's just odd."

Nurse Linda sets her handbag down on the floor by the desk, "Well what was he brought in for? Obviously he is terminal if he is on our floor. What do the doctors say?"

"According to his chart, he came into the ER early this morning, almost comatose, covered in blood. His wounds were centralized to his torso area and were treated and sewed up. It's strange though, I don't see the orders for him to be transfered here, nor does it say what his condition is. The orderlies brought him up at about 5ish and left without saying a word. And I can't seem to make out this doctor's signature. I don't know who is assigned to him. How weird." Hildy says as she reads the strangers chart.

"Well hell, we can't call records right now, they are closed. Maybe someone will be here in the morning that can help. I don't know what else we can do right now but look after him until we figure this all out," Linda replies, a smirk still on her face.

Linda picks her bag up, bringing it into the locker area so she can lock it up. No one notices the item she takes out of her purse and hangs around her neck. Glancing over her shoulder, she closes the locker door and sets the combination.

She walks back to the desk and picks up her cheart assignments, wouldn't you know, she has the new guy. Great, I'll just go see about him first before seeing to my other patients, she thinsk to herself.

Approcahing the door to 207 she can't help but notice the lights out at the end of the hallway, making the doorway to 207 very dim. She glances in and sees a form writhing on the bed, soft moans coming from his mouth. She stands a moment longer, watching as a chill creeps it's way along her spine. Something inside her telling her to stay away, she shakes her head laughing at herself and proceeds into the room. The man in the bed stops moving and opens his eyes staring at her. Linda looks to the man and is stunned, it seems as if his eyes are glowing in his almost cadaver like face.

"Don't worry, Mister. We're going to take good care of you." Linda says to the man, knowing he can't understand her.

He mutters something back to her she cannot comprehend, but she can hear the pleading in his voice. She reaches out and touches the man's hand, shocked by the coldness radiating off of him, but ignoring it as her job is to offer comfort to the dying.

She has learned to overlook some of the gross things that happen to the body in death. Has learned to look into the persons soul, rather than the shell that surrounds them. She digs in deep with this one, for he seems soulless. Squinting her eyes she says, "You've been an evil bastard, haven't you? I know your kind, but I will help make your transition easy for you. It may hurt, but you'll see, once the pain is gone, you will be in a better place." She pats the man's hand and smiles at him.

"So why haven't you eaten? You are refusing nourishment, this is not good. I will have to get you to eat something." She reaches for the green jello sitting next to the bed and digs a spoon in. The man's face scowls as the sppon nears his mouth and he turns his head away. "You really need to eat if you can. It will help."

The strange man turns his head back to her and hisses. Linda jumps back, "Fine, if that's how you're going to be you can starve for all I care." She sets the jello back down on the table, housekeeping can clean it up.

"I have to go see my other patients now, I will be back shortly." Linda walks out of the dimly lit room and down the hall, making rounds on her other patients.

Linda has grown accustomed to seeing the ill in their last stages of death. It's even come to not bother her like it used to. She has a better appreciation of death working here, a better understanding of the different ways to die.

A loud screaming comes from the hall as Linda is checking the temperature on an old lady on her last stages of cancer. She runs out into the hall and sees Brenda running from the opposite way. "What's happening?" Brenda asks.

"I don't know, I think it's the strange one," Linda replies as the screaming continues.

She and Brenda run into the man's room and see him on the floor, writhing in pain, screaming. Neither nurse can make out his words, a language that seems archaiac and unintelligable. Both nurses begin their check down on the man, to look for injury as he obviously fell out of the bed.

"He seems fine to me," Brenda announces.

"No injury here, " Linda says, "But he has not eaten, he must be delusional, his body starving for nourishment."

"Help me get him back into the bed," Linda orders Brenda.

The two ladies work together to get the strange screaming man back into his bed. "What the hell is so funny, Linda?" Brenda says.

"Oh nothing, I just realized something. I think I know what is wrong with him."

"Well what?? Do whatever to shut the guy up, this is crazy!" says Brenda

"Okay" says Linda as she reaches across the bed and grabs a handful of Brenda's hair pulling her down across the bed. Brenda strugles, but only for a moment, as Linda takes out the small dagger she keeps hung around her neck and jabs Brenda in the windpipe.

"She's all yours, love." Linda says smiling at the man as he sinks his elongated teeth into Brenda's neck. It doesn't take long for the vital essence to fill the man, his features transforming back into the young handsome man he is.

He tosses Brenda's body aside as he rises out the bed and approaches Linda. She doesn't move, she is not afraid of this man, is familiar with him. "I wondered what the hell happened to you. You hadn't shown up in months, I thought you were dead, you idiot. Now get the hell out of here before someone sees."

He leans in and kisses Nurse Linda passionately then turns and takes his leave through the window. Linda smiles her evil smile, then starts screaming, "Oh My God!! Someone get in here!! Brenda is dead!! He attacked Brenda!!!" .......

Friday, July 30, 2010

Dear Son #1

You didn't cry when you came into this world
The room was a hushed silence but for the beeping monitors
They carted you away before I could look at your precious face
You my child, that grew inside me
You my child, that I already loved
How I wanted to hold you near me, to have you in my arms
To protect and shelter, to comfort, to care for
Other plans were set forth for you on this day you were born
Your path was one of struggle from the very start
You proved to the world you were a fighter, strong and tough
Weeks went by and then the glorious day came
The machine pumping breath into you was removed and I cried
For you cried for the first time, with your hoarse grovelley little voice
Breathy and barely audible amongst the shuffling feet and shrilling alarms
You my child, lived
You my child, beat the odds that were placed against you
The years passed as you grew always amazing me
I admit, I was scared of losing you, always worried something would happen
I admit I was hard on you too, you were born tough
I didn't want you to lose that
The world is hard, my child, the world can be cruel
You must learn to look it in the face and not back away
You my child, have never let me down
I've always been proud of you, you are blessed by angels after all
You defied those who said you would never be smart, you'd always be sick
Right back in their faces, you shoved, and proved them wrong
My child, my tough, tough child
I have to admit, though, I may have been wrong
That I have instilled cynicysm in you, pushed too hard
For now I see my boy, about to become a man
And you push yourself too hard, already at your young age
Yes you are capable, this I have no doubt
But I question myself, wondering if I taught you too much about work
But didn't teach you enough about the joyful side of life
I worry about this as the time grows nearer to let you fly on your own
When it comes our time to let go, I want you to know these things:
Life is not all work, it is not all pushing yourself every minutes of everyday
Sometimes Life, my child, is dancing in the rain, and finding joy in the rainbow
Sometimes life is taking in the colors and the sounds, it's the little things
It's a feeling at the end of the day knowing you have done right and good
Not only for yourself but for others around you, especially those you love
It's helping a stranger in need, and giving of yourself so others can be eased of burden
Sometimes, my child, life is letting go even if it hurts, even if you're scared
This I feel now as our time grows near and your life as a man will begin
I am scared to let go, even though I know you will be fine
I still see my child, your sweet face, the little boy you once were
You will always be that little boy to me in ways perhaps only a mother knows
I will always love you, and offer guidance as you need
When our time does come, and you set out to explore the world on your own
Always know you have a home, someplace safe to fall back on
So fly my child into this world, and make your mark
But remember to laugh, and to open your eyes and look around
Dance and love, stick your neck out and don't be afraid
And live my child, live your life with gladness
So when it comes your time to leave this Earth, you leave with happiness
This, my child, is my greatest wish for you....

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Visiting David

I was asked by my friend David to guest post for him this week down at The Writer's Den. He asked the big question, "Why do you love books?"

I couldn't pass up the opportunity to answer, as reading and writing feel like a basic raw need for me....and it seems I'm not the only one.

So follow me over to

The Writer's Den

and find out why I, @ggSpirit , @Donna_Carrick , @JosephLane and @TheWritersDen himself love these bound pages so much...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

An Addicted Mind

spiraling twirls of color rein down through his brain
red, blues, greens conjoin and entwine
weaving threads of thoughts and dreams
the line is clearly blurred
wells of feelings drift to the surface
marring perfect ideas of fantasies
reality shifts to the world around
in death it's perfect entirety
surely this must be madness
this hope, this love, this world
so much death and violence
so much pain and suffering
it can go away easily, simply, just swallow
the hopelessness the loss is just too much to bear
it's gone, it's all gone now
the colors drowned by shadows
He is drowning and cannot see the light
it's okay, no it's not, just one more
the calm caresses the soul
he's here, he's gone and cannot find himself
an empty shell with incoherent thought
follow the path of emptiness, it's safe there
no one will know, no one will care
no one will see to the real him, no one but me

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Immortal Freedom

So there I sat in the darkness, surrounded by the dead, imagining the voices of those long gone begging me to let them out. Sorry guys, I'm trying to escape myself, I'll have to come back for you later. I just need to hide out here for a while. No way they will come looking for me here.

What's that crunching noise?? I turned my head to the side trying to place the noise and could only imagine stray dogs with matted fur snacking on bones. Not a good image while sitting in a cemetery. Too late, that is what was stuck in my head. Why not, I thought?? With what was chasing me, why couldn't it be dogs having a buffet on the corpses??

Another noise grabbed my attention. I could hear them outside the gates, moaning as they passed by. I held my breath, I didn't want them to hear me. My heart was beating so fast in my chest I thought it was going to explode. I was sure they could hear that thump, thump, thump speeding inside of me. I couldn't hold my breath any longer and tried, as silently as possible, to exhale and take my next breath. They stopped. I couldn't see them, but I knew they heard me. Dammit!! I didn't know where to go from here. I'd tried everything I could think of to throw them off my trail, but like he said, they will always find me.

He, is Marstoni and he, wanted to posses me forever. I lived in his castle for many years. I don't know how many, but it seemed like a century. He never tried to turn me, but cast some spell on me so I wouldn't age. He said he didn't want my soul corrupted. I had to laugh at this. I guess he was expecting me to be a good Catholic girl until he grew bored of me and decided to kill me.

Little did he know I never expected to stay a good little Catholic girl and I sure as hell wasn't going to be his pet forever. He loved to dress me up in pretty dresses and parade me in front of his friends at fancy parties and dinners. What I think he loved more were the challenges that would arise when one of his buddies couldn't seem to resist the smell of my blood. What's worse is that I eventually grew to be amused by these situations as well and played up the fact that I was human, with hot, red blood flowing through my veins. I would wear clothes that showed off as much skin as possible without revealing everything. I was the virgin slut. A tease among immortal monsters.

This does grow boring after some time, so to keep things going I have to run away from time to time. This time I really thought I had them all fooled and was going to taste freedom for some time. Man, was I so very wrong.

Goons were tracking me, and they were not under Marstoni. I knew what would happen if I were to be captured, and it wasn't being brought back home and lectured about the downfalls of trying to escape. If I were caught this time, I knew I would be dead.

Where is a cat when you need one??? The only thing these Goons were afraid of. Cats scared these guys so much they would freak out and poof away, leaving being a fine green mist, the Goon equivalent to pissing yourself. The look on their faces before the transport away is so damn funny. I knew I was cornered, so i took a chance, "Here kitty kitty!!" I heard a very loud groan on the other side of the fence. I giggled because I knew they understood me. If only they would be afraid enough just from the threat. But no, this can't be, their sense of smell is very keen and they would be able to detect the presence of a feline friend.

I had no choice but to make a break for it to the other side, hop the fence and haul ass to my next hiding spot. Where that would be I had no clue. I leaped up and began running as fast as I could, hurtling grave markers like a track star. Shit, it was so damn dark. I silently prayed in my head, please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall. I was a good little Catholic girl after all.

I managed to make it to the scrolled, wrought iron fencing surrounding the cemetery, get my foot in the first line of supports and hurl myself over the top. I crashed down on the other side pretty hard and banged myself up. Don't laugh, I made it over the damn fence. I quickly regained my footing and took off down the street. It was very late and no one was out except hoodlums and drunken bums. I could handle any of them no problem. I took a quick glance over my right shoulder and sure enough here they were coming at break neck speeds. How the hell can they move so fast?? I needed to find a weapon, hopefully a cat. I tore down an alley way, trying to be positive, telling myself this is a stray cats favorite place. I prayed again to myself, here kitty kitty, oh please be a kitty!!! I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, it looked like a tail trying to make it's way under a pile of trash. I stopped and retraced my steps, breathing heavy, "Kitty, kitty, kitty"

Getting down on the filthy, litter strewn ground of the alley, I cautiously peeked in a dark alcove of trash. A cat!!! I reached in quickly to grab the puffed up feline beast. It clawed at my arms and bit me. Nothing compared to what I knew was going to happen if I didn't hold on to it. Standing back up, holding the cat against me, I walked back out the way I came, right into a gang of Goons. All six of them got the funny faces, began trembling and POOF! One by one they dissolved into the mist. I began giggling. The 3 gang bangers that witnessed the scene looked at me like I was crazy, this caused me to laugh even louder. The turned around and quickly walked away. I followed behind them, dirty and giggling. I had no clue where to go. I petted the cat in my arms, it had finally calmed down and stopped fighting against me. "Be nice kitty, you saved my life. Tore me up a bit, but I can forgive that." I wondered where we would go from here and continued walking the deserted streets of the city. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this freedom. I didn't really know how to behave in this decade, maybe I should find my way back to Marstoni. I wondered how pissed off he was at me right now.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Wandering Mind of a Daydreamer

So there I sat, staring into space, blanking out my mind from the world. This is the only way I can find any peace and quiet and have some alone time for myself. I suppose it is a form of meditation, and I just let my mind drift from thought to thought.

My mind brought up the question, "What's the deal with Satan, Val?" He sneaks up on you when you aren't looking and imposes strange thoughts and behaviors on us. I hate that woman, even though I don't know her... Go ahead eat that cake, no one will know... it's not speeding, you're allowed to go 5 MPH above the posted legal speed limit.... and I am convinced the 5 second rule is from Satan as well. How could we logically think that if it's only been on the floor for less than 5 seconds, it's still good?

I am usually able to catch these thoughts and ask myself.. why are you being a hater??..... NO!! I am not going to eat that cake, I am not hungry... I still wrestle with the 5 miles over the speed limit rule... although I can manage to overcome the 5 second rule and will not eat anything dropped on the floor. Even if I hear childhood voices saying "God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt."

Sometimes when bad thoughts and feelings seem to be consuming me I simply say, "Go away Satan, don't peddle your wares with me. I'm not interested, thanks." This seems to work most of the time. Today I pondered why?? Why does this work for me?? For once in my life I think I have a valid answer ...

I love God and do believe in God. I know he is all powerful so I don't know why the following surprised me. God loves me too. He loves me even if I am not perfect. He loves me even if I am not pure. God loves me and always has.

For some reason many people put Satan on the same level as God. Thinking that they are the ultimate representation of good and evil. This isn't true, you know why? Because God made Satan too. How could Satan be as powerful as his creator?? He can't.

So Satan runs around the Earth whispering little bits of bad things in our ears, and entices us to do bad things leading us to believe he has some ultimate control over us. How can he, when even God doesn't have ultimate control over us?? We have our free will to choose.

This is why when I tell Satan to bugger off, he does. I have the power of God behind me, and within me when I need it. Even with my oddities that make up me, my not so perfect self has the power. Like She-Ra, I have the power to tell Satan to go away and stop making me feel negative. Good always wins in the end, it just needs a little push. Keep the faith.



Thursday, March 11, 2010

Nonsensical Murmurings of a Cursed Woman

So it's rainy and gloomy today... but at least it isn't freezing. I haven't blogged because I have been under duress of physical labor.. clearing land, hacking at random things with a machete and having a run of what seems bad luck. Yes, everyone still has all their limbs... except for the trees.

I am convinced someone has cursed me...It must be this as I haven't broken any mirrors, crossed any black cats, walked under any ladders, or passed by any pennies on the ground. So now, what to do to alleviate this curse... I don't think it's a strong one so it must be fairly simple to break.

I have researched curses... and I have ruled out the following ... I am not bestowed with the egg curse, The Curse of 27, I don't have a sports related curse, I'm not a Kennedy, so that curse is null and void to me, I honestly don't have the Hope Diamond, so this is hopeless, but now The New Year's curse may be a possibility. So what do I have to do to stop this?? Eat babies?? Sacrifice goats or snakes?? Burn incense?? What?? What do I have to do??

I know Midol helps with the curse of Eve... but I think this one will require a bit more than the average extra strength Midol pill.....

Most of the websites say I should lie in a tub of sea salt and call upon my ancestors to help me remove this curse. I really don't want to disturb them in their death... it just seems rude to me and intrusive as well. If I were a dead ancestor, I'd be pretty pissed if someone bothered me with some stupid curse. Besides, Mother always taught me to call first before I visit. So this is out.. I don't like being rude.

Yesterday I thought that if I were to eat a triple whopper it would put things back in line in my life... when I made this statement, I didn't think a triple whopper existed. I thought I was just being silly and random. But, oh nooooo the curse strikes again.. now I have to eat a triple whopper or make a liar of myself... Good grief!!! I am trying to be positive about this venture, trying to convince myself that this triple whopper will be the end of my bad luck.... once I eat it.

In the meantime, the curse is taking full advantage of me and as lunch hour slowly approaches the rain grows heavier and heavier, with rumbling thunder and flashes of lightening. By the time I can go to pick one up, I'll probably be in the middle of a hurricane. Everyone will be like.. where the hell did that hurricane come from?? It's my hurricane peoples!! MINE!! and my curse!! To top things off, I left my knife, fork and my chopsticks at home so I am going to have to use my hands to eat this. I don't even know if I will be able to hold the damn thing. I wish I had brought a bib with me, then again, I would have just left it with my utensils. A cursed girl can't win for trying.....

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Spewing Gushes Of Love Tokens

Valentine's Day... so it is here again... what do we do with it???

Some people think it's a day to send over priced, albeit, beautiful flowers to that special person in their life. This is good, as the economy needs the stimulation. If you're lucky, maybe you even get a box of chocolates too. This will help stimulate good endorphins and hopefully quell the stress of wondering what the hell you're supposed to do today.

Do you dress up and go out to dinner? A little dancing to try and rekindle the old flame that at one time burned but now seems to be the smoke from an extinguished match head.

Perhaps it's just a reminder for some, that another year has passed and regardless of the New Year's resolution, they are still alone and now have to watch (again) as everyone else struts around showing off their flowers and gifts. Don't worry, next year you'll get flowers too.

So one big bright, beautiful day spewing love tokens and gushing shows of affection... then like that it is gone.

Maybe you're the guy that gets the raw end of the deal, going out of your way to purchase the flowers and perfect gift for the girl you love only to have it thrown back in your face: it isn't good enough or her best friend got diamonds and all she got were some lousy flowers and a stuffed teddy bear. Obviously you don't love her as much as her friend's boyfriend loves her friend.

What a day of love and giving!!!

I think the most fortunate people today are the ones who know the person they love is the one person in the world who would pluck down the stars from the sky and hand them over with the biggest smile on their face. That person, in return knows that the smile shines brighter than any of those stars. These people are the most blessed because they know when this day is over, that smile will still be there almost every day the rest of the year. They also know when the smile is not there, there are arms to hold them and they will not have to face the sad parts of life alone. They are the ones who will love unconditionally, faults, sadness, mental illness and all. They are partners and friends, lovers and inspiration for each other. They are the biggest gift they can give each other.

So yeah, roses, chocolate, diamonds and dancing are very nice. But roses die, chocolate gets eaten (or not, especially if they are the fake orange flavored cream filled ones), diamonds get placed in the jewellery box and dancing... well I can't knock dancing, it really is wonderful and fun and can be very intimate. So remember to really show your love behind all the pretty things and if you really want to give a great Valentine's gift, make a promise to show your love every day... not just this one day a year.

Oh and to you people who feel angry about what you get... stop being a selfish jerk.. someone went out of their way for you, show some appreciation. Someone loves you so don't be a bitch.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Journey Through The Broken Mirror Chapter III

She reaches for the next shard of broken glass, confident that the worst has been remembered. The pieces contrasting against the black tile, almost beautiful, if she didn't know what they were, she would even say a work of art. Then again art can be very painful, can't it?

Gazing into the piece held in her wounded hand she is taken back again. A different hospital this time. She was told not to come in yet as she would most likely be sent home anyway. The contractions were not constant and regular, they said she wasn't ready. A woman knows her body and she knew it was time. She had to fight for a ride to the hospital, as he didn't want to go based on what the doctor said. She knew that her second son would soon be in her arms and used this as a threat. He finally caved in to her pleadings and brought her in.

The doctor arrived complaining that her workout was interrupted, but upon examination she quickly changed her attitude. Twenty minutes later there was a new healthy, beautiful baby boy screaming his way into the world.

She was glad for the lack of drama and pain with the birth of this one. Able to enjoy holding her baby to her immediately. What can be more glorious than this moment? Spent and worn out but still filled with an energy that only giving birth can bring.

Today she thinks of this child, out going and personable. He has no desire for academics, he prefers to build with his hands and run. The athletic one, she thinks he will be. He taught himself to do back flips on the trampoline and can run faster than any of his classmates.

He is not a baby when it comes to getting hurt, didn't even shed a tear when he had to have stitches in his lip. She told him, "Just breathe deep baby. The more you stay still, the faster it will be over with." He just nodded his head and keep his eyes on her, eyes filled with love holding back tears that wanted to fall. She smiled down at him as he lay on the gurney, brushed his hair back from his forehead, "I love you baby, you're a tough guy and doing good."

He has so much trust and faith in what she says to him. He believes in her and knows she, of everyone in the world, is on his side. She is patient with him as she teaches him to read and write, "Slow down baby, stop trying to rush it. It's better to be slow and correct than fast and wrong." She thinks his brain just moves too quick and needs a constant stimulation.

He is also going to be the lady's man. In kindergarten, he was already claimed for marriage by a cute little blonde girl who is always fashionably coordinated, usually in pink. They say men like woman who are like their mothers. This makes her chuckle to herself, remembering the day he came home from school acting dramatically depressed and even had a few crocodile tears. Upon asking what the trouble was, he admitted after some coaxing, "She broke up with me, Mom. What am I going to do now? Now ALL my children will have to have a step mom."

She kept her laughter to herself, as this was a serious matter. What a terrible world when one's children (who do not yet exist) are doomed to be raised by a wicked step mother!!These were her grandchildren he was talking about! "This is just a phase women go through baby. She will come to her senses soon enough." He hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek, "I love you, Mom." A glass of milk and a couple chocolate chip cookies later and the depression and tears for his future were gone.

Of late, she reflects on that conversation and wonders how many "ALL my children" encompasses. At least she can take stock in knowing she will get to be a grandmother some day. At least she can take stock in knowing that this handsome, hazel eyed little boy will always love her.

She smiles as she places this fragment on the table beside the other two pieces. She wonders, while gazing at them, perhaps she should try to put the pieces back together, and not just clean them up. Could that possibly be done?? She doesn't know... but thinks she should try........

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Journey Through The Broken Mirror Chapter II

She wipes her tears away with the back of her hand and reaches for the next piece. Her hand aches and throbs from the slice in it. Hesitating, she wonders if she really wants to look into the shard of glass, will she be able to handle the pain that may come from looking? Her fingers gingerly pick up the shinning, blood spotted fragment, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath....... then looks.

Her breath hitches in her throat as she is drawn back to a night 11 years ago. It was pitch black that night, with no moon, the lights in the parking lot weren't working. She gave no thought to walking to her car, as she had walked this lot from the bar more times than she could count. She was enjoying her new found freedom after her divorce, meeting new friends, partying with them on the weekend. They usually met at this bar on the beach every weekend, and sometimes during the week on Salsa night.

Comfortable in her environment, she was relaxed and her guard was down, not paying attention, not looking around or between the cars as she normally does when going to her car in parking lots. He came out of no where and slammed her face first into a red sports car, knocking her senseless. Seeing stars and not yet fully comprehending what was happening he twirled her around and punched her in the face. Her knees buckled at the shock of the pain in her face and as she began to fall to the ground he grabbed her and laid her out on her back.

She tried to struggle against him, he only reared back his fist and hit her again. She could taste the blood in her mouth from the split lip and felt like she was going to pass out from his blows to her face. The just above the knee length sundress she was wearing made it easy for him to reach up and tear away her panties. She knew there was no use trying to fight as she didn't have the strength to over power him. As he forced himself inside of her, she resigned herself to lie still, and as tears ran out of her eyes, she stared at the stars in the sky and prayed that it would be over with quickly. The rocks and shells that made up the parking lot dug into her back and shoulders, but she didn't dare move to ease the pain and knew there would be cuts.

Her body stiffened when he finished and collapsed down on her, crushing her breath from her lungs. Smelling his sweat and feeling his heavy, alcohol laden breath on her neck made her want to vomit. She feared for her life when he raised his upper body off of her and grabbed her throat, squeezing so no air could escape. He leaned down and shoved his tongue in her mouth, she knew she was going to be sick for sure. He leaned down again, the weight forcing more pressure on her larynx, he says "Don't move when I'm gone. I will kill you." Then he got up and off of her and walked off.

She doesn't know how long she stayed there, afraid to move and barely able to breathe, body trembling. Her brain was blank, unable to grasp what had happened. Then the thoughts rushed at her like a title wave, or were they voices? "Miss, can you hear me?" "Are you okay?" "Can you tell us what happened?" "Who did this to you miss, did you recognise him?? Is he somebody you know, perhaps met tonight?"

No words would come, she could only stare at the mob of people that had somehow appeared around her. She was no longer lying on the ground, a blood pressure cuff on her arm, where'd that come from? "I'm going to be sick." were the only words she got out that night, then leaned over and threw up between her own legs.

The inside of the ambulance was bright, the lights a focal point to keep the thoughts at bay. Two days she spent in the hospital. 18 stitches total to her face. She hoped they wouldn't scar, then the ugliness inside of her might be able to stay hidden without showing on her face.

A few weeks later she sat on the edge of the bathtub in her bathroom, staring at the 8Th positive pregnancy test. She slid off the tub onto the floor, bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them and cried her heart out. Pregnant... this nightmare won't end. She cried harder as she made up her mind, and knew exactly what she was going to do. She hated herself for the decision and knew it would haunt her for the rest of her life.

The day came to have her abortion. The ride to the clinic was a quiet one, she glances to her father in the driver's seat, knowing he just can't say anything. He didn't hold this choice against her like her mother did. Supported her in fact. He was a strong man, but his heart was broken for everything that has happened. His baby girl was raped by some man they'd yet to find and now he was driving her to have his grandchild aborted. When they arrive he asks, "Do you want me to go in with you?" She shakes her head no and tries not to cry when she says , "I'll be okay, I love you Daddy." Getting out of the car, she doesn't look back because she knows he will be watching, crying for her.

Inside she signs her name on what is a very long list and is ushered to a room to change into a gown, then led to another room, dimly lit with faux leather bench seats lined along all the walls. There are at least a dozen other women waiting already, dressed in the same generic hospital gowns. Sitting, she looks around at everyone there, no one is saying anything. The young girl next to her starts to cry, she slides her hand over and grips the girls and squeezes gently. "It'll be okay," she says, knowing full well that it will not be okay, not for a very long time.

Hours go by as the women are herded through the door, being called out by first name only. She finally hears her name and an awful dread courses through her body, she stands weak kneed and tells herself to toughen up, it'll be okay. Laid up on the table, with feet in stir ups, she prepares herself to be violated again. The process is quick, ten minutes at most with a lot of pressure inside, then she is taken to a room with black leather recliners. The anesthesia wears off quickly, but she still has to wait one more hour to ensure there are no complications. She thinks this must be the cruelest part of the whole process as it gives time to think about the rape, and about where she is sitting. She can't wait to get home and curl up in her bed alone.

She walks out into the bright sunshine, resenting the feel of the warmth on her skin. It seems the day should be cold and rainy at the very least. This day that will surely be the worst day of her life. She sees her parents blue car parked in the front row and sees that her mother has come with her father to pick her up. The passenger door opens and her mother runs to her, crying and wraps arms around her. Something she really needed, to feel her mother's love. Unconditional and strong. They walk to the car and get in. Mother turns from the front seat and hands her a light brown teddy bear, wearing a blue sweater. "This is from your father."
She takes the bear and hugs it close to her, this representation of the child that will never be. A child she knows is in Jesus' care. A representation that has a permanent home in a small wooden rocking chair in her other children's bedroom today.

She sets this fragment next to the other one on the table, afraid to turn back to the mess strewn on the floor, but she knows she's got to get the pieces picked up...........

Monday, January 25, 2010

Journey Through The Broken Mirror

Shattered fragments of broken glass lie upon a black tiled floor. She knows how they got there, but cannot believe this has happened. Kneeling down she begins to clean the mess, picking up pieces of the broken mirror, sure that 7 years back luck will be the resulting effect. Silly, superstitious thoughts.

She winces as a shard slices into her hand. Cursing, she reprimands herself for being careless again. Her blood spills in droplets on some of the mess, as she reaches for the hand towel resting on the black marble counter next to the sink. Not giving any thought to the permanent stain that will be left embedded in the cotton.

A flicker of light catches her eye from a dagger shaped piece, she picks it up and looks into the reflective glass and sees a vision from her past. Tears stream down her face as she witnesses the birth of her first born son. The one who was supposed to die, they said. The one who was supposed to have been a burden the past 16 years with his illnesses and psychological problems, they said. The one who would be nothing but a breathing body, with nothing to offer, they said.

Alone, she spent the better part of the 6 weeks he was intubated, at the hospital in the NICU watching the monitors, learning about blood stats and the various drugs needed to keep her baby alive. They told her not to touch him, not to stimulate him as it would cause him to work against the machines sustaining his little life. She didn't listen though, she held his tiny hand and kissed his naked back. It's a mother's love, and if her baby was going to die, he was not going to leave this world without knowing his mother's touch.

She was forced home one afternoon, after a visit to the emergency room. She'd developed an infection and told that she was not getting enough rest. Sure there were dark circles under eyes, and times when she couldn't seem to think straight, but to be home in bed resting her body was selfish. She could not leave her precious child alone in his time of need. She worried that at any moment his life would no longer be of this world and could not abandon him. No one would volunteer to drive her back, she was not supposed to drive herself, they said. You might hemorrhage, what then? But she drove and pissed off a few people. She didn't care, where were they with all this going on?? Alone, she sat hour after hour, whispering to him, expressing her love for him and desire that he live.

One night about 4 weeks into the ordeal she awoke at 2AM with an urgency to see her baby. Once again, no one would drive her. Off she went racing through the deserted streets, across the bridge spanning the river. At least you can get good parking at the hospital at that particular hour. Up the elevator to the third floor unit and what felt like a 10 mile walk to the little, darkened room they kept him in. Upon arriving she discovered, that against the medication they used to basically paralyze him, he had removed the tube from his throat. The first sign in a month since his birth, that he may survive.

She sat in a glider rocker 2 weeks later, waiting to hold her child for the first time. Soon he would be going home. When he was placed in her arms, and their eyes met, she knew everything was going to be just fine. This precious boy was going to rise above all that they said and be a wondrous joy in this world. Now, 16 years later, this miracle child, with the guardian angel attends college and will be receiving his first degree along with his high school diploma.

She sits back on her knees, clutching that memory to her, letting the tears fall for the grief and loneliness she experienced during that trying time and for the joy of knowing that it was she that stood by her child through the years, encouraging him to better himself, to use the brilliant mind that he was blessed with.

She sets the piece of broken mirror on the table beside her and as she bends to clean the mess again, her tears falling and mixing with her blood, she see another twinkle of light...........

Sunday, January 3, 2010


“You were one of us, Serron. Why’d you leave?” I feel very defeated and exhausted as my rage subsides into grief. I notice Boom is no longer screaming and take a glance over to him. He is curled up on the ground, but breathing and still alive. I wonder what forces in the world brought me to this place that I am at now: kneeling in the mud of a swamp, filthy, helpless, the smell of the kroyzan and the methane mixing makes me want to throw up. I rise slowly to my feet and walk back to where my crew is standing, all except Boom. I pick up my gun along the way and strap it over my shoulder.

“Gabe, help me get Boom up. He doesn’t need to be in the mud.”

Serron opens his mouth to speak, I look at him sharply, dead in the eyes, “Don’t say a fucking thing. Just shut the hell up.” I say with strength in my voice that causes him to shut his trap.
Gabe and I help Boom to his feet. Gabe asks “You okay, man?” Boom nods his head still trying to catch his breath from the psychic attack on his body. I grab his pack off his back and leave Gabe to help Boom.

I turn my back to Serron and the kroyzan , “Come on guys, let’s get the hell out of here. I need a shower and have had enough of the mosquitoes.” I pass Jake and he reaches out to grab my arm, I shrug him off. “What the hell are you doing Abs?? He’s not going to let us walk out of here.”

“My brother is right Abbie, I am not letting anyone go, especially you. The only reason your team is still alive is because of you and the fact that you will be very useful to me soon.” Serron says snidely.

“Fuck you, Serron. I am leaving, right now. Come on guys lets move it, NOW!.” I say, still walking back the way I came.

Gabe follows behind me with Boom in tow. “Abs, this is crazy you know. We’re going to die right here.”

“Not if I can help it Gabe.” I glance over my shoulder at Jake, “Are you coming babe?? I’m a bit cold and would like to warm myself by a nice hot fire.” This is when Jake notices that I have dug into Boom’s pack and pulled out a couple XM84 flash-bang grenades. He walks quickly after me eyebrows furrowed. When he reaches me, I slide him 2 of the grenades and keep 2 for myself and sling Booms bag over my shoulder.

Serron is confused by my actions and shouts out, “Stop, right now or you all die.” So I stop and hold my arm out to Jake indicating him to stop as well. Gabe stops with Boom who is finally gaining his composure back somewhat and who also sees what is in my hands. Boom urges Gabe to keep moving.

Jake and I turn to meet Serron’s gaze, I smile at him which confuses him even more. I pull one pin from a grenade at the same time Jake does and we hurl them both into the swamp. We quickly disengage the pins in the other 2 and throw them in a wider arc. We then turn and take off running encouraging Boom and Gabe to join us as the grenades explode. While these weapons don’t normally cause any harm to people, or beasts, they are a great ignition source when mixed with something like methane. My plan has the desired effect as a secondary explosion erupts, setting the swamp and cypress trees on fire. Three more explosions follow, and I glance over my shoulder to see a wall of flames between us and the enemy. “Yes!!!” I shout, pumping my fist in the air. I know this will not stop the kroyzan or Serron, but will hopefully buy us some time and signal Jude and CK to come meet us half way.

We make it about a mile before we hear the first squeals of kroyzan on our tail. “Shit” Boom says “We better haul some ass here folks.”

Up ahead we see the spot light from the Bell but way off the mark. I grab my flashlight from my utility belt, turn it on and begin waving it frantically as I keep running. The guys follow suit and we are relieved when the chopper heads straight in our direction.

Jude doesn’t land the chopper, but flies it in low and turns it. Ck slides open the door as we reach the machine. Ducking down under the blades, this is a habit even though they can’t touch us while spinning, Gabe and Boom load up and Jake helps me in, then crawls in himself.

“Holy Mother of Christ!!” CK exclaims. “That looks like one hell of a party you guys were at. I wonder what the bill is for burning down a swamp??”

“Just get us the hell out of here, let’s fly Jude!!” Jake yells over the sounds of the engine.
Jude banks the copter to the North and out of the enemy zone. “Wish I had my camera. Man, I’ve never seen a swamp on fire before. That’s spreading pretty quick.” He says through his mouthpiece.

I notice CK staring at me with his “look”. It’s one I’ve grown to know very well, it basically says, “Girl, what have you gone and done now?” I raise my eyebrows at him and half smile, a look that he knows says, “Uhhh, oops!!” I can’t help but take the opportunity to rib him and quote Robert Frost, “Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I have tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire.” Then smile my biggest smile on my muddy, dirty, bloody face. He chuckles at the quote and says, “I hate to see what you do with ice.”