Why is it so easy to talk about almost anybody in the world, yet so difficult to face ourselves and tell the truth??
Perhaps self doubt clouds the judgement, or maybe we just don't want to know the truth.
I have been trying to reflect on myself, to get in touch with me. I wonder what is true: the words of people telling me I am a good person or the words of the ones who tell me otherwise?
Sometimes the thoughts don't even come from words but actions of others. I wonder, do they know how hurtful they are being with their silence? Then I wonder am I hurting someone with mine and not even know it?
So upon this personal introspection I have discovered I am a walking contradiction, even to myself. No wonder I'm so fucked up.
I discovered that I love to help people, I really do. I love to see someone happy, I love to see someone have the look of accomplishment. Sometimes I find I am helping someone and I feel frustrated with them because they aren't helping themselves. Sometimes a person can't help themselves and I can't help them either and it really makes me feel useless and weak. Right now my dearest friend is in ICU fighting for her life, and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help her and I feel like, crap I don't even know what this feeling is, but it sucks and it makes me cry.
I am a dominant person, I like being in control. I am highly opinionated and yes I can be judgemental at times. I do have an inner voice that'll say to me, "Umm hey, Val... rethink that okay. Give them a break they're only human."
I am a damn good mother. I take care of my family and teach my children well. I know I am good at this because my children run to me every day when I get home, yelling, "Mooommmmmmmmyyyyyy!!! I missed you soooo much!!" Then I get the biggest hugs. This is probably the most predictable, yet most awesome moment in my day, everyday.
I am awful in relationships, and I'm really still trying to figure out why. Probably because deep down I am a huge romantic and keep finding myself matched up with logical thinking people, which I love as well, because I need to be able to talk and have intelligent discussions about things. I also need to be able to be silly and laugh and do crazy things. I don't think dancing in the rain is crazy... I think it is a must... as I need to be able to appreciate nature, even bugs. I need to be respected, my opinion must matter and contribute to things, but I don't always want to have to decide. Sometimes I need to be the pretty little princess being saved by the handsome prince. I do need flowers and chocolate, especially chocolate. I need someone who can grab me and hold on when i go a little crazy. Because yes I do, I get overwhelmed from the stresses, usually of taking care of others. I get exhausted, and this is when I need someone to lay me down, hold me tight and tell me to go to sleep. I get caught up in doing for everyone that I ignore myself. Don't ask me to change, because this is me, this is what I need to do. So I guess I need a sometimes guardian.
My heart is open and exposed to almost anyone. Strangers on the street, the people in my life, of course. My heart is especially exposed when children and old people are involved. So guess what? I do get hurt quite often by selfish, rude people. My counter weapon?? I can forgive easily, most things. My heart hurts when I hear about a child being abused, and don't be surprised if you are with me in public and I see someone who needs help in any way. Expect me to step up to that without pause. I will endanger myself to help others. This is me...
I am loyal... yes like a little Lassie dog... or Hell hound... (once again POV) Once you are my friend you are branded for life. I am talking friend.. not acquaintance, not someone in passing... and provided you live through the dead friend curse that seems to be on me... you will always have someone to turn to..
I have faith in people and believe what you tell me. I trust in the words you say to me and never have a doubt that you are just another person with thoughts. I have a difficult time accepting the fact that there are malicious people in the world, even though I have dealt with the violence , hatred and neglect that comes from these people. Sometimes I think I blame myself still for these things. I blame myself for being left alone, or hit or yelled at. After all someone has to be responsible for it all...
I am broody.. because I do have a darkside to myself... Darth Vader is my father after all (or Hannibal Lecter depending on your POV ).. oh and I am funny sometimes too. I will bust a joke or an inappropriate comment at the most embarrassing times it seems.. I get bored easily... which leads to me acting like I hate everything around me, like I am ready to drop it all, load up my kids in my car and drive to who the hell knows where, but someplace more exciting (or new until it gets old). This is probably from moving every 3-4 years growing up. Stay in one place, are you fucking nuts??? Someone once told me this inability to keep things the same is mental illness, bi-polar disease, manic depressiveness... I'm not so sure. Someone else told me it's a sign of a brilliant mind.. yeah one flash and it's gone... but I have read about some geniuses in history, they were thought weird and crazy and manic and everything else. No body understood them, so they were labeled. I like this last train of thought best and sometimes wonder what it would have been like to sit with Albert Einstein and talk to him.
Okay so maybe I am just a nutcase... i think I've been saying this my whole life and no one wanted to believe me then.... well this is what you get..
Apparently I am evil too... evil bitch, evil psycho bitch, psycho bitch... these are very familiar terms to me. That'll teach me to share my thoughts with the regular world.
I love God. and God loves me. He is my rock, never moving unless I lose sight and move him aside. My relationship with God is personal. He and I will sort my issues out, as we always do and one day the issue won't matter.
So ultimately my introspection hasn't been that informative. I haven't found out anything I didn't know or didn't warn people about. I am me, damaged, defective, broody, unhappy me. Love me or leave me...
Well, clearly that would be a "love you", not a leave you. You make the world an incredibly interesting place to be. You challenge people to step up & be accountable for themselves. You challenge people to push their own boundaries. And they, Val, are good things which, in the long term, can only ever be positives. I think people are drawn to you because of all of the things you wrote about, & your friends, regardless of where in the world they are, will always be there to give you everything that you offer to others.
ReplyDeleteWhat an extraordinary piece of writing, Val. And while you say it's nothing new to you, you've certainly provided an insight to those who wish to learn more about you.
Whether you see it or not, it was a brave thing to have posted this article. How in awe of you I am.
Thank you, Val...and how lucky I am to be able to tell people that I'm getting to know you.
Always,
D
Hey D,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the lovely comment. I don't feel brave posting it, it just is. It is me in a basic summation. No one can be happy happy joy joy all the time, if they are, they are high or derranged.I am afraid of the person who has no strife (think p-syko)
Life is not easy and there are many times it is not fun in the least bit. Sometimes the non-fun things leave scars in our very own psyche or emotional state of being.
The thing about it is simply this.. we are all people, damaged, sane, unwell.. whatever the case may be. I think every person in the world has something to offer society at large if they would only put forth the effort; Also if society would stop making these unrealistic demands on people that ultimately cause them shame or humiliation. And sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zones, and what we know to give to others because no 2 peoples needs are the same.
So there is a tolerance that needs to be created in order to embrace the world. We don't have to agree or comply with everyone, but we do need to be respectful and tolerant and try very hard to be non-offensive. This is my ultimate plan for world domination, to brainwash everyone into this peaceful state by hypnotizing ( I know this isn't spelled right but fuck it) the world, one person at a time with my purple pens. HAHAHAHAHA
Love ya... you are getting very sleeeepy, sleeeeeeepy.. SLLLEEEEEEPY!!
Valerie,
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else in the world, you are a lot of things, at different times, for different people. Now that doesn't decide what you are to yourself, but it should help to define it at least.
To me personally, let's go over the things I'm sure you're NOT: You're not a nutcase (though you have the occasional moment like most of us do;) You are certainly not evil (unless you're really expert at covering it up and I've totally missed something!)
The things you are: you're warm; you're open; you're honest; you're a sensitive listener; you're beautiful, (and I don't mean JUST in the physical sense, though I must say: "Wow!") Your personality exudes, nay radiates sensuality, and even though our contact is restricted to online chatting at best, I've found it impossible not be enamoured with you.
Of course, these are all aspects of what you are to other people, not to yourself; but if you appreciate how you can make others so fond of you, you'll realise your own true values too.
I'm pleased I met you. Knowing you has enriched my own life. You're lovely.
Thank you Dave,
ReplyDeleteVery kind of you to say :o) and I know you mean it because you are a straight forward person too.
As to the evil.. well I really don't know what to say. It (and the other terms) are not unfamiliar to me. I worked for a construction company for several years as the Superintendants assistant. After establishing my position as 1 of 3 women on the jobsite, I earned the nickname Evil Psycho Bitch. I probably deserved it lol. You know I am a stickler for respect, well when the guys would come charging in my office bitching etc.. and not say hello first.. I'd tell them, "You don't get to charge into my fucking office with your voice raised at me without telling me hello first. Not get the fuck out and try again!" So there were other happening that went down, I once parked a guys pick up truck on the top of the milling pile while he was in the port-o-let. That's what he gets for leaving his truck running.. anyway I am rambling on and on again...
Thank you for reading and commenting :o)
What a great post. I admire you for putting all that down, and I hope it felt like a relief to do so?
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think you're fab.
Nicely don, VV. Being full of contradictions is good, i think. Walt Whitman once observed: "Do I contradict myself?/Very well, then/I contradict myself./I am large/I contain multitudes." We all contain multitudes. Though not so many of us can express them as well as you.
ReplyDelete